Relationships and Expectations

 

What does it mean to have “Expectations” when coupled with the word “Relationship”?  This has been a favorite topic of mine for a couple of years now.  And as I have grown in all aspects of my life, the core of my belief has stayed the same.  This is an important topic for anyone that is currently in a relationship, coming out of a relationship or for someone who is single and ready to get back into a relationship.  As we go through life, we grow with each year, each relationship, each job, each child, with our church or spiritual growth.  With that growth will come different challenges in every area of our life.  

For instance, let’s say you have a job interview.  Before you go, you already know your “Worth”!! You have diligently done your homework on the company, you have your interview questions/answers ready.  You have determined your salary requirements that will need to be met for you to accept the position.  Within those salary requirements, you also have an idea of what kind of benefits the company already offers its employees (or you should if that is not a practice that you already have in place when job hunting).  You know how much vacation time, sick time, medical insurance provisions such as are they paying for your single or family coverage? If not, what would be your portion?  What are the chances of advancement? How fast are employees allowed to move up in the company?  Do they make it a practice to promote from within or do they go outside looking for promotion talent?  Do they offer 401K/pension? Do they match what you contribute? If so, what do they max out at?  Those are ALL incredibly important questions when entertaining the employment with a new company. Wouldn’t you agree? If they come back with something that doesn’t fit in the criteria that you predetermined would make that job worth accepting, you have Zero problems saying, “I’m sorry, this is not something that fits with my expectations that I have set up to say yes at this time.  Thank you so much for the opportunity.  If something changes in what you are offering for this position or if there is another position that you believe that I would be better suited for, please feel free to reach out”. 

I know, I know… “Tammy, what has this got to do with relationships?”  Well, I will tell you, quite honestly, EVERYTHING!  If you go into a job interview empowered with all of these questions, seeking solid answers so that you can make an informed decision as to whether or not you will accept the job if the salary offered meets your “Expectation”, why would you not also set up a set of expectations for your “relationship” before you enter into something that, for all intents and purposes, is going to last you for the rest of your life?!! I mean, most people do not work until they croak!  They plan for retirement so that they can enjoy the fruits of their years in the workforce, doing things with their “Mate” until the time comes for them to transition into the afterlife and go to Heaven! 

So why would you not put as much, if not MORE, effort into setting up the expectations you have for your relationship?  I have had men and women alike, who come to me for coaching, who have the same old song and dance and want help to navigate the “dating world” or help cleaning up their relationship mess they have created.  The stories start out with “He/she treats me like this”, “they never take me anywhere” “they take forever to return my phone calls/texts”, “they are always disrespecting me, talking to me crazy” blah blah blah blah! Just STOP IT!!  Yes, I said STOP IT! Stop the whining already!  I am not going to sugar coat this for you if you are the one who is saying some of those things above or worse!  What you Choose to Allow, You Give Permission to Exist! 

Think about that for a minute, “What you Choose to Allow, You Give Permission to Exist“.  You have been dating or in this relationship for more than 6 months, or in some cases Years, allowing your significant other to do as they please in your relationship.  You “Allow” them to talk to you any kind of way.  You “Allow” them to not take you on dates.  You “Allow” them to not text/call. I could go on and on.  Since you have Chosen to ALLOW those types of behaviors, you have given them blanket permission to continue to do those things over and over again.  You have at this point “taught” them that you are “okay” with this kind of treatment. 

Let me ask you a question.  Why is it that you know your worth when you go for a job interview but you do not know your worth when it comes to relationships?!  Why would you spend more time setting up the expectations for a job that will last you a few years, and spend literally zero time setting expectations for your relationships?!  You are where you are because of how you think!  If you think they are going to treat you nice because that is what you want on the inside, but you never express your expectations of that in the dating process, how are they going to know that?  The expectations that you have for your relationship should be way higher than the expectations for your Job!  Don’t let the expectations of your job outweigh the expectations for your relationship.  Don’t let the rules that govern your job outweigh the rules that govern your home. 

I know this is meant for somebody today!  Some of you, and I am speaking from past experience of myself, are so fearful of being alone that you are willing to accept whatever somebody gives you! And if you give them that opportunity to treat you any kind of way, then they are going to treat you any kind of way and be okay with it!  If you don’t set up expectations for your relationship, this is the trap that so many of us fall into more times than we care to admit!!

Think about it this way, your life is a book.  Each relationship, jobs, schools etc is a chapter in your book of life.  When that chapter is over, you Turn the Page!  The next page is “Blank”! You have two options: 1) Hand the pen to someone else and let them write out what the next chapter of your life is supposed to look like; or 2) You take the pen and write out the most amazing chapter you can dream up!  Now which one of those sounds better to you?  I’m telling you, Nobody is writing my chapter for me!  Why? Because that means that I give the control/power of my life to someone who doesn’t even know what I like to eat! Much less what I want to do with the rest of my life! I promise if you take the time to set it up right on the front end, in ALL the relationships of your life, then the rest of your life can and will be your BestLife!! 

Here are a few general guidelines to help you maneuver through your relationships with a little bit more grace and ease:

Number One: Figure out what it is that you want in or from your relationship.  If you don’t know what you want, how will you know if you are getting it?  For example, do you want a committed relationship with someone? Are you looking for marriage as the end goal? What does your communication look like with your significant other?  Do you need “Me Time” every week or month?  Do you expect a date night 1 time a week, month or some other time frame?  What is your and your partner’s “love language”?  What about your Faith?  Does he/she have to have the same beliefs as you do? Knowing those few things will help you get started off on the right foot.

Number Two: You have to know that you deserve the best!  Set standards for your relationship.  If you have a strong foundation of standards, coupled with healthy boundaries for your relationship (and in all areas of your life) then the quality of your relationships will not only match those standards but more than exceed them when it’s all said and done.  And as your relationship grows, revisit the standards/boundaries.  They will need to be adjusted as you grow together.  

Number Three:  Speaking of “Growing”, having personal growth goals, both individually and together as a couple will make your relationship stronger.  Don’t forget about your spiritual growth as well.  Growing both individually and as a couple will make you unshakable!  Setting financial goals and working together as a team, will keep the discord about money at bay.  When you both know what it is that you want and expect, then conversations about money are just that…. conversations, not a fight!

Number Four:  Don’t be afraid to let someone go when you know the relationship is not working out anymore.  Remember that some people come into your life for a Reason and some for a Season.  When that chapter ends, a new one begins!  Focus on the good times, thank them for the lessons that you learned, wish them well and move forward with the next chapter in your life!

Finally, Always focus on what you want! Focus on the big picture, not only for yourself but for your relationship!  Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve!  You are worth the Stars and the Moon!  Be open to the experience and watch the universe send you the most amazing things it has to offer!   Would love to hear from you!  Feel free to drop me a comment below and lets chat!! 

Until next time, Have a great week!

Coach “Cali” Tammy

 

Tammy Loftis

Tammy Loftis

Instructor and Life Coach

Using the tools and skills she’s acquired along her journey, including BestLife’s Freedom Release Method, Tammy was able to overcome the pain and darkness of her past, and move forward creating more joy, and bigger dreams, than she ever thought possible.

It is Tammy’s passion and purpose, through her coaching, workshops, and speaking engagements, to show others how they can experience joy and create the life they desire.

She uses the Emotion and Body Code in her life coaching to promote overall wellness.